Today was a difficult day for me. Today is a day that emphasizes all of the pain I feel every other day of my life. I wish I had answers. I wish I knew what all of this was happening to me. I wish I knew if it was going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it was just a freak accident. I still feel like I am to blame. I still feel like I could’ve done something to prevent it. Like if I had done something different they would both still be here. It’s so hard not to blame myself. I beat myself up all the time about it. I feel like no one understands how I feel. But then again, no one my age has gone trough what I have. I find myself dumping on my boyfriend a lot of the time in hopes that he will have something to say that will make me feel better. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t know what so say to me. I think he is just numb to it all. I wish I could be that way. I wish I could have no feeling about it, or at least be at peace with it. It’s too hard to let go when so many other questions hang in the balence. My whole life revolves around one doctors appointment and a couple of tests. Being a mother is all I’ve ever wanted to be and it can be ripped from me in an instant. I know that it will destroy me. I am not strong enough to deal with any of it. I feel terrible for my boyfriend. I feel like I have let him down. I know he questions his future. I know he wishes he had answers too. I’m terrified of him leaving. I can’t lose him. I dont know what would hurt worse, not being able to have children or losing the one person that means the most to me in the world. He has been the one that helped me find who I am today. He is the one that is there for me. He is a part of me. Without him, I have nothing. I just want him to hold me and let me know that it will be alright and I want to be able to belive him. I want to find comfort in his arms and feel nothing but love. I want to know that we will overcome this. I just want to make him happy. It hurts knowing that I have to keep everything a secret. It hurts that people use this against me and have even made fun of me for it. People who I used to be close with. I wish I was stronger to over come this. I wish I was able to look at myself and not feel ashamed. I wish I could tell my boyfriend how thankful I am for him. I wish I could tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. But I know the words will never come out. I always try but I just breakdown instead. I hope he reads this and realizes everything. I hope he sees how deeply in love I am with him. Dave, you are my best freind. I am nothing without you. Thank you for everything you do for me. I hope I can give you the world some day.